Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
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The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If only.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!