For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
this has to be peak English
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale