Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
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date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Happy Thanksgiving
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me