I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
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[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school