I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.