Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Just grow your own
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.