I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
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I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Sticker placement is key.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My daily affirmation
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.