If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
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I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
wow