Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.