“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.