my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Who’s your best friend?
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware