*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
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Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*