It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
You Might Also Like
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”