6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Running your mouth is not cardio.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Stonehinge