Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
accurate
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire