When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
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I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen