When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”