Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Finally!
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Go girl power!
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30