[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”