her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.