[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
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My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special