[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*