You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
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You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Your honor these allegations are
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.