Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
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“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots