Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I don’t think my car can fly
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh