If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
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Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
[eulogy]
line?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Breaking news:
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.