Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
british sex workers really pound for pound
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere