Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
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run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
This is I, Robot all over again
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.