I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Roses are red, you always mattered,