Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
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*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
the only bumper sticker ill allow
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy