Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
this is funnier than any friends episode
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.