Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
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My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Hell yeah 👍
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Oceanography is all about current events
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Lassie, get help!
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.