why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
ME (calling my horse with no name):
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary