Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love