A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.