Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
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God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Yup.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now