My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
and this one
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I am having an out of money experience.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It