My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
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[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s