I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Lmfao
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we