[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
*launders Kohls cash*
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*