they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick