Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?