New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
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“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time