Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”