Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes