[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
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Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back