I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
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12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Unimpressed
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
He-man has a Masters degree
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
This probably isn’t good