1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?