Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
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the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’