Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
You Might Also Like
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
How I’d get arrested…
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”